Grief and Love

Prior to my experience with loss, I had thought I had known everything there simply was to know about love. I know that sounds a bit arrogant, but it is true. At the time, I was in my late twenties. I had a happy marriage — someone I loved and who loved me. I was content, secure, fulfilled. We had many good times and memories, just as we also had fights here and there, like any other couple. Thoughts of him were always in my future; like breathing air, it was just a given. This was love.

Interestingly, I used to joke with him that if he died, I wouldnt know what to do with myself and that I’d have to die too. I said this as a joke as I was self aware enough to know that it was not quite appropriate to say with all seriousness, and yet as I reflect on this, I was serious in many ways as somewhere deep inside, I really wasnt sure how I would go on without him. The real joke I guess was that I never really thought it would come to pass.

l lost him quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Everything I knew, all crumbled around me. It was hard not just to lose him but also life as I knew it. The humor, how he would sit at the couch, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, his kindness, his blue car in the driveway, the way he’d joke and play videogames while eating cereal with water (not milk because water was cheaper and the apocalypse could always come). All of this and more, this life, this love, everything I had known to be true, all gone, all crushed. No more.

I couldnt help but feel that it was all my fault. In some ways it was and in some ways it wasnt. All I can say is that life is tragic sometimes and much more complicated than any of us can really comprehend. To lose someone you love and to think to all the times you had wished you had just done this, or said that instead, or if only you hadnt gone over here, or if only you had realized sooner that the most important thing in your life while you were annoyed at the waiter for bringing the wrong dish to your table, was this moment here with the person you loved. This moment, the only moment that really exists. That life was never about any of the other stuff at all, all the stuff I thought was so pressing, none of it had actually mattered.

Grief taught me that life is fleeting.

It taught me that a lot of the things I had thought mattered, never did.

It taught me to appreciate people while they are here in your life.

It taught me to be more present.

It taught me to take risks.

That you think you know everything but in reality you may know nothing.

It taught me that I could lose everything and still survive. And that the part of me that survived was the best part of me, as all the rest of me died; only the best part of me could make it through.

That it was never about the big milestones but actually the small moments in life, like the way his hand felt in mine, his coat in the closet.

It taught me that everything is impermanent. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me feel grateful for the simple things.

It taught me to notice the small things.

It taught me that love doesn’t have to end.

It taught me that love forgives, not only the person but also yourself. That it hopes. That it longs. That it perseveres. That its okay if it perseveres. That it expands you. That it is safe to love as it is one of our greatest gifts as a human, which is to experience and express it. That love takes courage. That it is brave. That love connects. That love is related to joy. That joy is something felt that seems to go much deeper than happiness. That love can know sorrow. That sorrow can give way to hope. And that there is no shame in any of this because this is really what it means to be human, this is really what it means to love. To know darkness but to also know light. To know hard times but to also know good. To experience sadness but to continue loving, hoping, persisting, trusting that one day it will all make sense, that one day you will be okay again. To bring this love with you wherever you go so that it is felt by the person across from you, even if you dont know them. That grief breaks your heart open and that it will be okay.

Grief and Faith

Grief and Faith

This year, I am experimenting with an aspect of my life, which is faith. I’ve always felt a strong calling to write but been very afraid to really pursue it. When I examine this fear, I’m not sure what it’s really about. Perhaps it’s that I’m afraid my writing won’t result in anything, that it wouldn’t actually mean anything, or perhaps I’m afraid of facing myself.

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Grief and Lucid Dreaming

Grief and Lucid Dreaming

A few months ago, I became interested in lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is essentially where you ‘wake up’ in your dreams and become aware that you are dreaming. With this awareness, you gain the ability to affect what happens within your dreams. The more you practice this ability, the more you are able to shape the nature of your dreams.

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Grief and Fear

Grief and Fear

n the beginning of my journey with grief, it was like a thick fog that went with me everywhere. It felt like I was a world away, living in a different realm, barely hanging on to this one.

However over time, the grief has lessened. My feelings about this have been mixed. On one hand, it is healthy and natural for grief to lessen. On the other, it feels a bit odd to live without feeling grief so intensely. Some days it feels as if a new person has emerged. And I must admit that I miss the grief that I once felt so deeply, as it was also so much tied with memories of the person I lost.

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New Beginnings

New Beginnings

This is going to sound strange, but sometimes it helps to think of my past life and my past self as dead. They are no more. I am not the same person. I am now living a different life. For me to think of my past self still alive today with the unimaginable having occurred is too much to process some days. For me to be here now and to walk around the corner and to almost expect things as they once were is too painful.

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The True Purpose of Grief

The True Purpose of Grief

Grief awakens you to pain but it also awakens you to your spirit. Life was never about your deadlines or work stress, or what this or that person said, or what this neighbor or friend had and what you didn’t, or anything it seemed at the face of it. It all seemed so important at the time, and yet all along life was about something else all along, something so much deeper. We know this because there is no amount of money or objects or status or security that can bring back the person you love, nothing that can turn back time. While life may have felt empty or meaningless at times, the truth is that it never was — every moment of your life with the person you lost was filled with meaning, filled with a purpose for you to know that life is all about love.

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Grieving: From Death to Life

Grieving: From Death to Life

There were many times when I wanted to give up. The pain was too great and immense. Loss is not just in the immediacy of it, but in all the reverberating ways in which it affects you and your life. In many ways, you must learn how to live again, how to breathe again. I am here to say that it can be done.

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Grief, Sorrow, Joy, and Soul

Grief, Sorrow, Joy, and Soul

There is sadness in life and then there are sorrows — some sorrows for which there are no words. Sometimes it almost seems as if it is easier to think of yourself as dead and now living in an alternate universe — only then does it feel that the events of your life make sense, only then does the unimaginable become imaginable. How else could life continue on like this?

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Grief and Awakening to Love

Grief and Awakening to Love

It has been four years since I went through a time of loss, four years since everything I knew and loved disappeared from my life. It is difficult to describe that kind of loss and the grief that comes with it. There is sadness. There is guilt. There is shame. Hopelessness. Discouragement. Emptiness. Futility. Fear, and above all, darkness — the type where death felt as if it would be the only reprieve. Some days, I would stand outside and watch leaves rustle in the wind and feel the beauty and pain of life all at once — how ephemeral life is and how blind we can be to its sweetness.

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1 of the Absolute Best Quotes on Grief That Will Bring You Comfort and Peace

1 of the Absolute Best Quotes on Grief That Will Bring You Comfort and Peace

The quote in this post was originally posted by user GSnow on Reddit in a thread in which a woman asked for advice on how to cope with the recent death of her best friend. It’s one of the best descriptions of grief that I’ve ever read. When I connected with GSnow, he said that he’s been contacted over the years by so many people who have been touched by his response — people have asked to feature it on TV and t-shirts and everything, which was a surprise to him, as he was simply posting from his experience and heart. I’ve posted it here in case you find it helpful in your own experience and journey with grief.

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Seasons of Grief, A Time to Every Purpose

Seasons of Grief, A Time to Every Purpose

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3: 1).

Sometimes we may feel discouraged, and feel as if life as we have known it is over. What lies ahead? We live in fear that our best days are behind us, that we have failed and made mistakes, that there is nothing to be done now, nothing that can turn back time and get us back to a place of what once was. In our darkest of moments, we wonder if there was a point to any of this suffering. What is life if it involves pain and grief like this? Life feels empty and meaningless. We feel like giving up.

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Walking Through Times of Grief

Walking Through Times of Grief

It has been 3 years since my initial experience with grief and loss and though many people told me that time would heal, it didn’t make each day easier. Although time heals, it takes a commitment to wake up each day and to make it through to the next day even when your mind, body, and spirit are crushed. At some point this process of living in the face of grief becomes easier, and you find yourself feeling joy and contentment again, even with the pain that is there. It’s like learning how to walk all over again, but this time with a broken leg.

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Two Mountains: The Journey of Grief

Two Mountains: The Journey of Grief

I read somewhere that sometimes life involves two mountains. The first mountain is the one you start off in life climbing. You ascend it, thinking that this is what life is about — your career, money, stability, achievement, making your parents proud, worthiness, etc.

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Mindfully Moving Through Grief and Loss

Mindfully Moving Through Grief and Loss

It’s strange how time passes — how after the unthinkable occurs, life goes on. The sun rises and falls. Flowers bloom. Trees rustle in the wind. There is an eeriness to it and in the beginning it is tempting to stay lost in this space.

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Finding Meaning and Purpose in Pain, Grief, and Loss

Finding Meaning and Purpose in Pain, Grief, and Loss

It’s different for everyone, but for me, grief was like walking through the valley of a shadow of death: a place where I walked and walked with seemingly no hope — just darkness and shadows and the faintest of light.

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Grief As a Sign of Love

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Sometimes I close my eyes, and I’m there again, in the apartment we once shared. The room is small, with wood floors, a white couch, and books neatly arranged along the shelves. The air is still. It’s just me there, and I can feel the beat of my heart, hear the sound of my breath.

It’s times like these that I realize that grief never really ends. For me, grief has been like a tide, ebbing and flowing — sometimes with greater and lesser frequency, but always there, always returning.

In these moments, I remind myself that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to feel sad and to remember the things that once were. Grief is a sign of love. And at the end of it all, what are we meant to do in this life if but to love, to grow in it and in spirit?

In moments like this, I’m also reminded that some bonds are hard to break, even across time and space. Loved ones are with us in different ways. Sometimes this fact can be painful as we consider our loss, but on the other side of this emotion, perhaps there is also a comfort that we still remember, that we still love.

If you enjoyed this post, you might also find my book, Grieving the Loss of a Love: How to Embrace Grief to Find True Hope and Healing After a Divorce, Breakup, or Death helpful.