Running, Walking, Hiding, and Finally, Facing Grief

A depression came on very suddenly. Perhaps it is this time of year with the holidays and constant travel — the grayness and limited sunlight of it all. Or perhaps it is that this time of year reminds me so much of Brian.

Brian — it feels a bit strange to think of him now. It has been six years or so since I last saw him and I think that even if I were to see him today, I wouldn’t know what to say. There was a time when I thought of him each day, but time has really healed the feelings of loss and grief and although they are still there, they are much more muted, faded, like my memories of him.

It’s funny but I feel like at some point there was a crossroads I took, which was to either keep the memories alive and to continue holding on to the grief as it was the only connection I really had left of him. Or to let the pain go and trust that this would lead to something greater. I was deeply afraid of letting the pain go; after all, it was all I felt I really had left. But that is what I ultimately decided to do.

It was like an experiment — like, what if I just let myself look back on my life and focus on all the love that was there, rather than all the pain? What if I focused on the opportunity I had, the years I did have, the happy moments and the great fortune and privilege I had in having that time, rather than all the things I wish I had said, done differently, all those moments lost, all the small moments I now missed?

I’m making it sound easy but like everyone knows, it wasn’t. It was like learning to walk all over again, it was like learning how to live all over again, it was like coming out of a surgery and waking up and realizing one of my limbs had been lost and being asked to walk, somehow, alone, for the rest of my life. I had this realization that just as we die alone, life is ultimately a journey which we alone must shape and grapple with ultimately at times.

I decided to walk, but it took all the courage and strength I had. Sometimes it is hard to understand how hard it can really be for a person to just exist and to go on from day to day, not knowing what the future holds and all that was, now lost. From this I developed a sense of compassion for all of us just going through and trying to make our way through this thing called life.

I’ve been walking for a while and I have to say that ultimately, it was worth it to let go of all the pain and to focus on the love that was there. The grief is still here, just transformed. I am now someone who is better able to flow with things, I feel a great sense of gratitude for small things which I never noticed before. I am a lot more forgiving. Grief has been humbling. You think you know everything. Grief makes you realize you know nothing. Instead, grief will reveal you are only just beginning.

My difficulties now lie in that in walking sometimes on this path, I have gone to the other extreme perhaps of avoiding, running, forgetting. Forgetting was once so hard to do and now it almost feels a bit automatic. It is all such a difficult balance and process sometimes I think it is a bit like surfing, the waves are always changing and what is needed in this journey is always shifting.

Lately I have resolved to write a little more in order to stop running, to sit with myself and to remember where I have been and what it all meant. It is almost hard to come up and go to this place again and yet I feel I must, but now in a different way.

What has your journey with grief been like?