“I tried so hard to make you happy. Why wasn’t it enough"?”
“I waited for you to come home each night. I kept thinking you would. But you never did. So I stopped waiting.”
These are the words which continue to haunt me and which are filled with heartbreak.
It has gotten better with time, but every once in a while these words and memories flash before me and I am reminded of how sad grief can be, of what the heartbreak of loss can feel like when you’ve played an irrevocable part in it.
Prior to my experience with loss, I had thought I had known everything there simply was to know about love. I know that sounds a bit arrogant, but it is true. At the time, I was in my late twenties. I had a happy marriage — someone I loved and who loved me. I was content, secure, fulfilled. We had many good times and memories, just as we also had fights here and there, like any other couple. Thoughts of him were always in my future; like breathing air, it was just a given. This was love.
Interestingly, I used to joke with him that if he died, I wouldnt know what to do with myself and that I’d have to die too. I said this as a joke as I was self aware enough to know that it was not quite appropriate to say with all seriousness, and yet as I reflect on this, I was serious in many ways as somewhere deep inside, I really wasnt sure how I would go on without him. The real joke I guess was that I never really thought it would come to pass.
l lost him quite suddenly and unexpectedly. Everything I knew, all crumbled around me. It was hard not just to lose him but also life as I knew it. The humor, how he would sit at the couch, the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled, his kindness, his blue car in the driveway, the way he’d joke and play videogames while eating cereal with water (not milk because water was cheaper and the apocalypse could always come). All of this and more, this life, this love, everything I had known to be true, all gone, all crushed. No more.
I couldnt help but feel that it was all my fault. In some ways it was and in some ways it wasnt. All I can say is that life is tragic sometimes and much more complicated than any of us can really comprehend. To lose someone you love and to think to all the times you had wished you had just done this, or said that instead, or if only you hadnt gone over here, or if only you had realized sooner that the most important thing in your life while you were annoyed at the waiter for bringing the wrong dish to your table, was this moment here with the person you loved. This moment, the only moment that really exists. That life was never about any of the other stuff at all, all the stuff I thought was so pressing, none of it had actually mattered.
Grief taught me that life is fleeting.
It taught me that a lot of the things I had thought mattered, never did.
It taught me to appreciate people while they are here in your life.
It taught me to be more present.
It taught me to take risks.
That you think you know everything but in reality you may know nothing.
It taught me that I could lose everything and still survive. And that the part of me that survived was the best part of me, as all the rest of me died; only the best part of me could make it through.
That it was never about the big milestones but actually the small moments in life, like the way his hand felt in mine, his coat in the closet.
It taught me that everything is impermanent. Not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me feel grateful for the simple things.
It taught me to notice the small things.
It taught me that love doesn’t have to end.
It taught me that love forgives, not only the person but also yourself. That it hopes. That it longs. That it perseveres. That its okay if it perseveres. That it expands you. That it is safe to love as it is one of our greatest gifts as a human, which is to experience and express it. That love takes courage. That it is brave. That love connects. That love is related to joy. That joy is something felt that seems to go much deeper than happiness. That love can know sorrow. That sorrow can give way to hope. And that there is no shame in any of this because this is really what it means to be human, this is really what it means to love. To know darkness but to also know light. To know hard times but to also know good. To experience sadness but to continue loving, hoping, persisting, trusting that one day it will all make sense, that one day you will be okay again. To bring this love with you wherever you go so that it is felt by the person across from you, even if you dont know them. That grief breaks your heart open and that it will be okay.
This year, I am experimenting with an aspect of my life, which is faith. I’ve always felt a strong calling to write but been very afraid to really pursue it. When I examine this fear, I’m not sure what it’s really about. Perhaps it’s that I’m afraid my writing won’t result in anything, that it wouldn’t actually mean anything, or perhaps I’m afraid of facing myself.
Read MoreA depression came on very suddenly. Perhaps it is this time of year with the holidays and constant travel — the grayness and limited sunlight of it all. Or perhaps it is that this time of year reminds me so much of Brian.
Read MoreHi everyone,
I wanted to thank you for reading and for being readers over the years. I have written very sparingly and there are numerous reasons for this, including that I started up a mental health practice and all the various things that it brought, but probably the primary thing that has kept me from writing has been fear — a fear of facing myself.
I have kept myself busy, productive with this and that and the practice is now successful and that is all true, but underneath it all, I think productivity and constantly doing, doing, doing has been a form of coping for me, of running for me, of running from myself.
Not only of running from myself, but also pain. Although the pain of grief has subsided, some of the deeper pain, or other types of griefs have never fully been processed.
Writing has always been my truth, the thing that has kept me sane, the thing that has helped me make sense of it all. And yet over the years, it become someplace scary. Maybe because to write would mean facing the pain?
In not sure as Im still piecing out all the complexities of my psyche together, but my new years' resolution is to take my writing more seriously. And I really have you to thank you for this.
Yes, you. You, dear reader, who emails me and leaves comments. You dont know how much these comments and letters mean to me. They mean so much to me because they show me that my writing is not going into a void. That somewhere, someone is connecting with this, that there is a connection here somehow. That through darkness and through pain, something meaningful can emerge.
Ive learned that I have a lot of trouble writing into voids. Im going to be writing a new project and holding myself accountable. The project will be on personal experience with grief, mental health, suicidality, light and hope. For those of you who are long term readers, you may know that I have been diagnosed with manic depression. For those who are newer readers, now you know! I havent quite figured out how best to address that part, but it will be incorporated somehow because it would be impossible not to. Because you see, writing is my true north, keeping a clear perspective and voice through it all - through the confusing nature of pain, a light is found.
Would you be interested in being a beta reader for this new project? I will continue writing on this blog, but with this new project, I will be writing with a different intensity and intention - the intention of publishing and putting together a book that people can read one day. I will need beta readers. I will need people who I know are reading and interested. Most importantly, I will need encouragement. The encouragement is simply to know that you are reading and interested.
If you are interested in being a beta reader, please let me know. For this new project, I will be writing in a private password protected blog. I would encourage thoughts and feedback from a community of readers, you may get to see what others say. Again, the writing will be with the intention of publishing it one day. I am scared because all my writing thus far has been under a pen name. With this new project, I am thinking it will not; instead it will be under my real name. I would like to come out as a psychologist and writer discussing at a personal level how to navigate times of darkness and grief. I will need some help, support and accountability. But most importantly connection. If you are interested, please email me at ellie@eleorahan.com and I will send you the information on the private blog.
Thank you for reading and most importantly, happy new year to you all. There is a lot of darkness in life but there is also light. Times of grief are a season we each go through at some point in our lives. Please know that it will all make sense one day, that love is never lost and you will have that feeling of home again, and that all this pain is here to show you the way.
Best wishes
Ellie
I remember why I first started to write. I was around 14 or so. It helped me make sense of myself back then. It was lonely growing up in that house. I was kind of a black sheep. Moody, depressed, and irritable. Back then emotions were felt and difficult to put into words. Over time I’ve found the words, but the original emotion sometimes becomes harder to find — lost, forgotten.
Read MoreA few months ago, I became interested in lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is essentially where you ‘wake up’ in your dreams and become aware that you are dreaming. With this awareness, you gain the ability to affect what happens within your dreams. The more you practice this ability, the more you are able to shape the nature of your dreams.
Read MoreSome days are really hard.
This is one of those days.
Today came out of the blue, unexpectedly, for no reason really.
Read MoreSomething strange happened to my grief, something that has been difficult to write about.
It faded.
I feel it much less these days.
I know it is a natural course of the grieving process, but it feels strange nonetheless.
Read Moren the beginning of my journey with grief, it was like a thick fog that went with me everywhere. It felt like I was a world away, living in a different realm, barely hanging on to this one.
However over time, the grief has lessened. My feelings about this have been mixed. On one hand, it is healthy and natural for grief to lessen. On the other, it feels a bit odd to live without feeling grief so intensely. Some days it feels as if a new person has emerged. And I must admit that I miss the grief that I once felt so deeply, as it was also so much tied with memories of the person I lost.
Read MoreFor most of my life, I believed the soul to be a hypothetical abstraction. It was something religious people believed in, something separate and nothing to do with me.
But after experiencing loss and going through a time of grief, I know the soul to be a reality. When something such as grief comes along, and strips away all aspects of who you are and everything you think life is about, all that can possibly remain is your soul.
Read MoreThis is going to sound strange, but sometimes it helps to think of my past life and my past self as dead. They are no more. I am not the same person. I am now living a different life. For me to think of my past self still alive today with the unimaginable having occurred is too much to process some days. For me to be here now and to walk around the corner and to almost expect things as they once were is too painful.
Read MoreGrief awakens you to pain but it also awakens you to your spirit. Life was never about your deadlines or work stress, or what this or that person said, or what this neighbor or friend had and what you didn’t, or anything it seemed at the face of it. It all seemed so important at the time, and yet all along life was about something else all along, something so much deeper. We know this because there is no amount of money or objects or status or security that can bring back the person you love, nothing that can turn back time. While life may have felt empty or meaningless at times, the truth is that it never was — every moment of your life with the person you lost was filled with meaning, filled with a purpose for you to know that life is all about love.
Read MoreSometimes you love who you love and there is no stopping it. Neither time nor space, nor life or death can change it. This is the nature of love — it never stops believing, never stops hoping.
Read MoreThere were many times when I wanted to give up. The pain was too great and immense. Loss is not just in the immediacy of it, but in all the reverberating ways in which it affects you and your life. In many ways, you must learn how to live again, how to breathe again. I am here to say that it can be done.
Read MoreOur loved ones never leave us. They are always with us. The energy, attention, love, and care which they put into us can never be replaced — it added to our light and is always there. It is just now in a different form.
Read MoreThere is sadness in life and then there are sorrows — some sorrows for which there are no words. Sometimes it almost seems as if it is easier to think of yourself as dead and now living in an alternate universe — only then does it feel that the events of your life make sense, only then does the unimaginable become imaginable. How else could life continue on like this?
Read MoreIt has been four years since I went through a time of loss, four years since everything I knew and loved disappeared from my life. It is difficult to describe that kind of loss and the grief that comes with it. There is sadness. There is guilt. There is shame. Hopelessness. Discouragement. Emptiness. Futility. Fear, and above all, darkness — the type where death felt as if it would be the only reprieve. Some days, I would stand outside and watch leaves rustle in the wind and feel the beauty and pain of life all at once — how ephemeral life is and how blind we can be to its sweetness.
Read MoreThe quote in this post was originally posted by user GSnow on Reddit in a thread in which a woman asked for advice on how to cope with the recent death of her best friend. It’s one of the best descriptions of grief that I’ve ever read. When I connected with GSnow, he said that he’s been contacted over the years by so many people who have been touched by his response — people have asked to feature it on TV and t-shirts and everything, which was a surprise to him, as he was simply posting from his experience and heart. I’ve posted it here in case you find it helpful in your own experience and journey with grief.
Read MoreTo every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3: 1).
Sometimes we may feel discouraged, and feel as if life as we have known it is over. What lies ahead? We live in fear that our best days are behind us, that we have failed and made mistakes, that there is nothing to be done now, nothing that can turn back time and get us back to a place of what once was. In our darkest of moments, we wonder if there was a point to any of this suffering. What is life if it involves pain and grief like this? Life feels empty and meaningless. We feel like giving up.
Read MoreAuthor. Researcher. Psychologist.
Hi — I’m Eleora and I am a psychologist and writer. This blog is about my journey as a person living with bipolar disorder, also known as manic depression. It's also learning to live with grief, and finding meaning and purpose in the face of pain. It's about finding hope.
The site is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.Always seek the advice of your qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition.
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